Time: 10:39 pm
Current mood: Low
Listening to: Let It Go by Gavin DeGraw
I can spend all day in bed and still not get a good night's rest.
I just can't maintain this facade any longer.
I don't know how people deal with it, but i just can't.
I don't wanna try anymore.
I'm so tired.
Out.
Sunday 28 February 2010
The Onus Is On Me!
Time: 5:21 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: Sleep Will Come by Bliss
I have decided not to respond.
Not to say anything about myself and my life.
It's difficult but I am going to try.
I am beginning to understand it's not the way to go.
People care about you as long as you have something to return.
I mean, 'Mostly'.
I shall take responsibility for my own actions and choices.
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: Sleep Will Come by Bliss
I have decided not to respond.
Not to say anything about myself and my life.
It's difficult but I am going to try.
I am beginning to understand it's not the way to go.
People care about you as long as you have something to return.
I mean, 'Mostly'.
I shall take responsibility for my own actions and choices.
Back In The Hood
Time: 12:49 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Psyche by Massive Attack
It is one of those agitating days. I feel like I am going to lose my mind.
I am depressed. Very much so.
I wish I could stop crying when no one is around.
I wish I could snap out of it. And I'm tired of trying so hard to be my normal self.
And the worse part?
I have no right to feel this way.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Psyche by Massive Attack
It is one of those agitating days. I feel like I am going to lose my mind.
I am depressed. Very much so.
I wish I could stop crying when no one is around.
I wish I could snap out of it. And I'm tired of trying so hard to be my normal self.
And the worse part?
I have no right to feel this way.
Friday 26 February 2010
Repeat. Rewind. Repeat. Rewind.
Time: 2:04 pm
Current mood: Beginning to feel low
Listening to:Have You Ever Seen The Rain by The Jeevas
Everyday its the same. The constant nagging of stupidity in my brain.
The images and voices in my head makes me feel so low i cant restrain.
I feel like I'm stuck in a pit so and my life is just passing by.
I'm not enjoying my life like i should.
Where is true happiness?
Current mood: Beginning to feel low
Listening to:Have You Ever Seen The Rain by The Jeevas
Everyday its the same. The constant nagging of stupidity in my brain.
The images and voices in my head makes me feel so low i cant restrain.
I feel like I'm stuck in a pit so and my life is just passing by.
I'm not enjoying my life like i should.
Where is true happiness?
Tuesday 23 February 2010
Hope Vs. Despair
Time: 7:20 pm
Current mood: Terribly sad
Listening to: Promises by India.Arie
I doubt the sadness ever leaves us.
Coping with loss can be difficult regardless of what kind of loss we are trying to deal with.
I feel myself slipping more and more every day.
It's like slow poison.
You slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again.
And it starts all over... again!!!
Current mood: Terribly sad
Listening to: Promises by India.Arie
I doubt the sadness ever leaves us.
Coping with loss can be difficult regardless of what kind of loss we are trying to deal with.
I feel myself slipping more and more every day.
It's like slow poison.
You slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again.
And it starts all over... again!!!
Fugitive
Time: 1:09 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Speech Therapy by Speech Debelle
My ups haven't been all that far up lately.
But my downs, usually starting mid-afternoon have gone pretty far down.
80 percent of the time I have no idea where it comes from.
Once in a while I know the cause, but the vast majority really does come out of nowhere.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Speech Therapy by Speech Debelle
My ups haven't been all that far up lately.
But my downs, usually starting mid-afternoon have gone pretty far down.
80 percent of the time I have no idea where it comes from.
Once in a while I know the cause, but the vast majority really does come out of nowhere.
Monday 22 February 2010
Et tu, Brute?
Time: 8:19 pm
Current mood: Upset
Listening to: Logic Of A Friend by Badly Drawn Boy
It is easy to get emotional with friends and one may rush to conclusions.
I feel like I've been used, deceived, humiliated, despised, or stabbed in the back.
I may never forgive them, but at some point I have to let go of my anger.
It's gonna be hard to make friends, and even harder to trust them.
Current mood: Upset
Listening to: Logic Of A Friend by Badly Drawn Boy
It is easy to get emotional with friends and one may rush to conclusions.
I feel like I've been used, deceived, humiliated, despised, or stabbed in the back.
I may never forgive them, but at some point I have to let go of my anger.
It's gonna be hard to make friends, and even harder to trust them.
Saturday 20 February 2010
Spreading!
Time: 3:32 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: We've Got Tonight by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet
I can't begin to guess what started this in me.
I am sort of reaching a stage where I will fully admit that I am depressed, that this overwhelming sadness has just sort of settled inside.
The things that were unspeakably me seem to be continually stripped away, leaving a lonely shell that knows nothing.
It’s easy to think about the answers.
But swinging back and forth on what you believe and feel is the worst place to be.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: We've Got Tonight by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet
I can't begin to guess what started this in me.
I am sort of reaching a stage where I will fully admit that I am depressed, that this overwhelming sadness has just sort of settled inside.
The things that were unspeakably me seem to be continually stripped away, leaving a lonely shell that knows nothing.
It’s easy to think about the answers.
But swinging back and forth on what you believe and feel is the worst place to be.
Friday 19 February 2010
Pinch Me!
Time: 6:53 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Endgame by Rogue Wave
At times it is difficult to describe what the mind is picking up on and interpreting in this way.
Everything, including the sense of self, feels void of distinct realness.
Do I exist? What does it mean to exist? Where do I exist?
Who am I?
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Endgame by Rogue Wave
At times it is difficult to describe what the mind is picking up on and interpreting in this way.
Everything, including the sense of self, feels void of distinct realness.
Do I exist? What does it mean to exist? Where do I exist?
Who am I?
Wednesday 17 February 2010
Follow!
Time: 11:55 pm
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Isn't It A Lovely Night? by The Decemberists
Sometimes it's just plain exhausting. Trying to live up to everything that is expected and directed.
But where do you go when you feel like things are falling apart?
What happens when you're standing and you're not quite sure what direction you're supposed to be facing?
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Isn't It A Lovely Night? by The Decemberists
Sometimes it's just plain exhausting. Trying to live up to everything that is expected and directed.
But where do you go when you feel like things are falling apart?
What happens when you're standing and you're not quite sure what direction you're supposed to be facing?
Tuesday 16 February 2010
Face Off!
Time: 8:11 pm
Current mood: Very very sad
Listening to: Home by Great Northern
Screams echo into the night.
This uneasy certanity just doesn't feel right.
I'm just so damn tired of the struggle.
Of the fight.
To live a life I don't have any hope for.
Sometimes I remember what it's like to be carefree and laugh.
But it just doesn't excite me anymore.
What happened to me?
I miss myself.
Current mood: Very very sad
Listening to: Home by Great Northern
Screams echo into the night.
This uneasy certanity just doesn't feel right.
I'm just so damn tired of the struggle.
Of the fight.
To live a life I don't have any hope for.
Sometimes I remember what it's like to be carefree and laugh.
But it just doesn't excite me anymore.
What happened to me?
I miss myself.
Monday 15 February 2010
Simple!
Time: 6:18 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: You Don't Live Long Enough by Winterpills
I wonder sometimes whether a quiet & less ambitious life would have suited me.
I really do.
No greed. No jealousy. No shattered dreams.
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: You Don't Live Long Enough by Winterpills
I wonder sometimes whether a quiet & less ambitious life would have suited me.
I really do.
No greed. No jealousy. No shattered dreams.
Zombie!
Time: 12:18 pm
Current mood: Beginning to feel sad
Listening to: Crack The Shutters by Snow Patrol
Depression, I never asked for it, but here I am.
Sometimes I wonder what's the point in living when I don't understand the pain I feel.
What is pure joy? Full hearted happiness?
It's amazing how quickly dreams can die, but I will press on.
Like the living dead, because I have a right to try.
Current mood: Beginning to feel sad
Listening to: Crack The Shutters by Snow Patrol
Depression, I never asked for it, but here I am.
Sometimes I wonder what's the point in living when I don't understand the pain I feel.
What is pure joy? Full hearted happiness?
It's amazing how quickly dreams can die, but I will press on.
Like the living dead, because I have a right to try.
Sunday 14 February 2010
Shining!
Time: 11:11 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Further Away by Budapest
The confusion of life is swallowing me whole.
Life has no mercy, no sympathy.
I try to keep my scars concealed to outsiders.
I feel so lost in the mazes of life.
Should I hold hope?
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Further Away by Budapest
The confusion of life is swallowing me whole.
Life has no mercy, no sympathy.
I try to keep my scars concealed to outsiders.
I feel so lost in the mazes of life.
Should I hold hope?
Saturday 13 February 2010
AM PM
Time: 5:17 pm
Current mood: Down Down
Listening to: Don't Wanna Cry by Pete Yorn
Every time my heart beats it hurts.
I'm tired of all the moodiness, head spinning and racing thoughts with nowhere to go with them.
My mind needs to learn the art of silencing.
As in one day, there's a beginning, an end to all this...
Current mood: Down Down
Listening to: Don't Wanna Cry by Pete Yorn
Every time my heart beats it hurts.
I'm tired of all the moodiness, head spinning and racing thoughts with nowhere to go with them.
My mind needs to learn the art of silencing.
As in one day, there's a beginning, an end to all this...
Friday 12 February 2010
Still!
Time: 9:22 pm
Current mood: Beginning to feel sad
Listening to: We're Here by Guillemots
I feel as if I've pressed the hold button on my life.
Am I just waiting for the right time to push play and begin again?
Slowly slipping in a deep dark pit, I feel like I'm near the end of my life.
What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?
Current mood: Beginning to feel sad
Listening to: We're Here by Guillemots
I feel as if I've pressed the hold button on my life.
Am I just waiting for the right time to push play and begin again?
Slowly slipping in a deep dark pit, I feel like I'm near the end of my life.
What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?
Thursday 11 February 2010
Sherlock Holmes!
Time: 9:53 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: Restless Heart by Starsailor
Why do I feel depressed?
Why can't I just be happy as so many people say I should be?
Why is it so hard?
At what point do I finally feel as if there is no end to my misery and end it?
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: Restless Heart by Starsailor
Why do I feel depressed?
Why can't I just be happy as so many people say I should be?
Why is it so hard?
At what point do I finally feel as if there is no end to my misery and end it?
Dear Diary
Time: 1:16 pm
Current mood: Very Down
Listening to: A Lot Of Silence Here by Thirteen Senses
I do not write in this blog for pity or to wallow in my troubles.
I write because it's therapeutic for me as I can't express this to anyone else.
My insides are screaming, I want to scream. I want to cry.
How can I stop me feeling this way?
Current mood: Very Down
Listening to: A Lot Of Silence Here by Thirteen Senses
I do not write in this blog for pity or to wallow in my troubles.
I write because it's therapeutic for me as I can't express this to anyone else.
My insides are screaming, I want to scream. I want to cry.
How can I stop me feeling this way?
Wednesday 10 February 2010
7-Eleven
Time: 11:57 am
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Pale Horses by Moby
I tried to get some sleep, but my body won't shut down despite its utter exhaustion.
I really hate this feeling and I hope I get some rest tonight.
It feels so circular.
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Pale Horses by Moby
I tried to get some sleep, but my body won't shut down despite its utter exhaustion.
I really hate this feeling and I hope I get some rest tonight.
It feels so circular.
Titanic!
Time: 7:57 pm
Current mood: Sad Sad Sad Sad
Listening to: I Must Be In A Good Place Now by Vetiver
My legs are beginning to break, I've walked this road for far too long.
My heart is always aching as I try to carry on.
I have a noose around my neck, I wish it would tighten very soon.
I fear this ship is sinking, and I see no hope on the horizon.
Current mood: Sad Sad Sad Sad
Listening to: I Must Be In A Good Place Now by Vetiver
My legs are beginning to break, I've walked this road for far too long.
My heart is always aching as I try to carry on.
I have a noose around my neck, I wish it would tighten very soon.
I fear this ship is sinking, and I see no hope on the horizon.
101 Ways!
Time: 7:27 pm
Current mood: Sad Sad
Listening to: The Heart Remains A Child by Everything But The Girl
What happened engulfs me with terrible sadness.
Sometimes things get broken and it can't be fixed.
I don’t know what to do anymore and my world is crashing down.
I ‘m leaning towards anything that involves ending my life.
Cliff? Balcony? Rope?
Current mood: Sad Sad
Listening to: The Heart Remains A Child by Everything But The Girl
What happened engulfs me with terrible sadness.
Sometimes things get broken and it can't be fixed.
I don’t know what to do anymore and my world is crashing down.
I ‘m leaning towards anything that involves ending my life.
Cliff? Balcony? Rope?
Tuesday 9 February 2010
Look but don't touch!
Time: 7:20 pm
Current mood: I would pay someone to kill me
Listening to: Happy Families by Richard Hawley
If I could ask God one thing what would that be?
Very easy.
Give me the strength to end my life.
I am getting used to the thought but I still can't muster enough courage.
May be there's still a little hope somewhere in my brain.
Or is it just a tease?
I don't need this life.
Current mood: I would pay someone to kill me
Listening to: Happy Families by Richard Hawley
If I could ask God one thing what would that be?
Very easy.
Give me the strength to end my life.
I am getting used to the thought but I still can't muster enough courage.
May be there's still a little hope somewhere in my brain.
Or is it just a tease?
I don't need this life.
Shoot Me!
Time: 6:53 pm
Current mood: I want to die
Listening to: The Light At The End Of The Tunnel by Richard Hawley
I can't do this anymore.
I don't know how to deal with myself.
For every step forward, I'm taking two backwards.
In fact ten backwards. Fifteen. Twenty.
I am certain that there's a ghost in my head.
I want to break open my skull and scream, "leave me alone".
If not, take me away. Put an end to my misery.
Current mood: I want to die
Listening to: The Light At The End Of The Tunnel by Richard Hawley
I can't do this anymore.
I don't know how to deal with myself.
For every step forward, I'm taking two backwards.
In fact ten backwards. Fifteen. Twenty.
I am certain that there's a ghost in my head.
I want to break open my skull and scream, "leave me alone".
If not, take me away. Put an end to my misery.
Edge!
Time: 12:23 pm
Current mood: Shoot me
Listening to: Motherless Child by John Legend
Black. White.
Up. Down.
Loud. Quiet.
Happy. Sad.
Near. Far.
Either. Or.
Where does normal, so-so and average fit in?
Current mood: Shoot me
Listening to: Motherless Child by John Legend
Black. White.
Up. Down.
Loud. Quiet.
Happy. Sad.
Near. Far.
Either. Or.
Where does normal, so-so and average fit in?
Monday 8 February 2010
Finger!
Time: 11:53 am
Current mood: Shoot me
Listening to: If Only It Were True by The Walkmen
I always blame myself. For everything.
All my life i've blamed everything on me.
I just blame me. A number of people have taken advantage of me by making me feel guilty.
But I just don't get it.
I just blame me. No one else.
Everything is my fault.
Current mood: Shoot me
Listening to: If Only It Were True by The Walkmen
I always blame myself. For everything.
All my life i've blamed everything on me.
I just blame me. A number of people have taken advantage of me by making me feel guilty.
But I just don't get it.
I just blame me. No one else.
Everything is my fault.
Out Of Memory!
Time: 9:00 pm
Current mood: I want to disappear
Listening to: Silent Sigh by Badly Drawn Boy
It’s been a tough week.
In fact, this whole year has been very difficult.
So difficult that the expression, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger,” is in jeopardy of being proven wrong.
There are some feelings I will never forget.
Dejected. Disturbed. Defeated.
Current mood: I want to disappear
Listening to: Silent Sigh by Badly Drawn Boy
It’s been a tough week.
In fact, this whole year has been very difficult.
So difficult that the expression, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger,” is in jeopardy of being proven wrong.
There are some feelings I will never forget.
Dejected. Disturbed. Defeated.
Nippy!
Time: 8:40 pm
Current mood: Very Very Sad
Listening to: Last Of Days by A Fine Frenzy
I'm having urges.
Urges to hurt myself.
I'm trying so hard not to.
I'm trying to fight it.
I'm losing that battle.
And I've lost.
Feels good.
Current mood: Very Very Sad
Listening to: Last Of Days by A Fine Frenzy
I'm having urges.
Urges to hurt myself.
I'm trying so hard not to.
I'm trying to fight it.
I'm losing that battle.
And I've lost.
Feels good.
Mass!
Time: 8:10 pm
Current mood: Very Sad
Listening to: Free Fallin' by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
I never thought I would be one of those who just drifts through his life.
What happened to dreams, ambitions and aspirations?
What happened to life?
Current mood: Very Sad
Listening to: Free Fallin' by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
I never thought I would be one of those who just drifts through his life.
What happened to dreams, ambitions and aspirations?
What happened to life?
Sunday 7 February 2010
World War III
Time: 1:42 pm
Current mood: Melancholy
Listening to: You Moved In by Smog
It takes a lot to hide your feelings. And emotions.
It's a craft. An art.
And I'm trying to perfect it.
Is it strong to hide them? Or strong to show them?
Either way I'm not winning the battle.
Current mood: Melancholy
Listening to: You Moved In by Smog
It takes a lot to hide your feelings. And emotions.
It's a craft. An art.
And I'm trying to perfect it.
Is it strong to hide them? Or strong to show them?
Either way I'm not winning the battle.
Saturday 6 February 2010
Red Bull!
Time: 10:50 pm
Current mood: Going down quickly
Listening to: Silent House by Crowded House
I love being alone.
I love feeling sad.
I love being in a dark empty space.
I love remembering things that I shouldn't.
I love being miserable.
I am just so tired of being me.
Current mood: Going down quickly
Listening to: Silent House by Crowded House
I love being alone.
I love feeling sad.
I love being in a dark empty space.
I love remembering things that I shouldn't.
I love being miserable.
I am just so tired of being me.
Too Many Cooks!
Time: 3:10 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Long Hard Road by Sade
I contemplate every little thing I've said and done.
I try to picture myself through someone else's mind.
I can't decide what to do with myself.
Do I remain the spectator?
Or do I initiate the life?
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Long Hard Road by Sade
I contemplate every little thing I've said and done.
I try to picture myself through someone else's mind.
I can't decide what to do with myself.
Do I remain the spectator?
Or do I initiate the life?
Friday 5 February 2010
Judge Judy!
Time: 11:12 am
Current mood: Somewhere in between
Listening to: The Promise by Secret Garden
The thing that really annoys me is when people tell you to be yourself despite what others may think.
Damn! It's so simple.
I am not feeling very inspired anymore.
Where are the angels when i need one?
Current mood: Somewhere in between
Listening to: The Promise by Secret Garden
The thing that really annoys me is when people tell you to be yourself despite what others may think.
Damn! It's so simple.
I am not feeling very inspired anymore.
Where are the angels when i need one?
No Dial Tone!
Time: 12:23 am
Current mood: Down
Listening to: This Life by Bruce Springsteen
Too Many Thoughts on My Mind!
At this moment I'm disconnected and bordering on being completely miserable.
I have been yearning for inspiration for I don’t know how many days now.
No sign of any arriving anytime soon.
Some nights I wish it away. I wish it all away.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: This Life by Bruce Springsteen
Too Many Thoughts on My Mind!
At this moment I'm disconnected and bordering on being completely miserable.
I have been yearning for inspiration for I don’t know how many days now.
No sign of any arriving anytime soon.
Some nights I wish it away. I wish it all away.
Thursday 4 February 2010
Dead End!
Time: 11:02 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: It's All In Your Mind by Beck
I was so busy chasing dreams, I left myself behind.
So many squandered moments, so much wasted time.
If I could find the words to explain, I would shout them out.
I really do fear that I'm dying, I really do fear that I'm dead.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: It's All In Your Mind by Beck
I was so busy chasing dreams, I left myself behind.
So many squandered moments, so much wasted time.
If I could find the words to explain, I would shout them out.
I really do fear that I'm dying, I really do fear that I'm dead.
Wednesday 3 February 2010
Cursed?
Time: 10:46 am
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Meadowlarks by Fleet Foxes
This isn't what I want.
This isn't what I asked.
This isn't what I deserve.
There are people out there getting what they want.
There are people out there falling in love.
There are people out there enjoying what they do.
They get to Be Happy. And I don't?
This can't be my life.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Meadowlarks by Fleet Foxes
This isn't what I want.
This isn't what I asked.
This isn't what I deserve.
There are people out there getting what they want.
There are people out there falling in love.
There are people out there enjoying what they do.
They get to Be Happy. And I don't?
This can't be my life.
Monday 1 February 2010
Mad Scientist!
Time: 7:19 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Same Mistakes by Unbelievable Truth
Sad.
Happy.
Sad.
Good.
Bad.
Terrible.
Someone should study my brain.
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Same Mistakes by Unbelievable Truth
Sad.
Happy.
Sad.
Good.
Bad.
Terrible.
Someone should study my brain.
