Invisible

Time: 05:22 pm
Current mood: Terrible
Listening to: Where Dreams Go To Die by John Grant

How do you break through invisible bars?

What is it like to touch something you've never had?

Depression is a part of everyday life.

The birds chirp for someone else.

Prison

Time: 10:29 am
Current mood: Going down
Listening to: Dreaming Like A Fool by The Boy Who Trapped The Sun

Happiness probably lies near, but my mind won't let my heart reach for it.

I am sad because I have not yet uncovered myself.

I am confined to myself.

Just me and my sadness.

All by myself

Time: 11:11 am
Current mood: Going down
Listening to: You Lost Me by Christina Aguilera



Awake all alone.

My mind is broken.

My thoughts are dark, there's no light.

I hope I leave the world in silnce.

Unbeaten!

Time: 09:39 am
Current mood: Going down
Listening to: Tutsana Ellerimi by Hümeyra

I hear the screams, I hear the shouts.

Did I make them up?

The sadness of my world cannot be conquered.

I'm merely a shell of the person I used to be.

Fate!

Time: 05:36 pm
Current mood: Low
Listening to: Animals by Thirteen Senses

There's a beginning. And there's an end.

All i feel now is sheer misery.

Why am I so sad today?


The thought continues


On and on and on…

Cloudy

Time: 10:44 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

I am crumbling.

Inscrutable pain.

Clarity is on its last legs.

I’m gonna be so consumed very soon.

How soon?

One

Time: 05:24 pm
Current mood: Going down
Listening to: Tuesday by Five For Fighting

One jump.

One cut.

One shot.

One swallow.

One moment.

That's all it takes.

Freedom.

Blur

Time: 9:51 pm
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Too Much Talking by Chew Lips

I am living life. In silence.

Faking a smile, faking a laugh, just faking everything.

I don't know what to feel, heart is dead, mind confused.

There’s nothing to lose.

There’s nothing to gain.

Why am I stayin’ around?

It’s all too obscure.

Numb!

Time: 11:25 pm
Current mood: Low
Listening to: More Than Life by Whitley

I'm looking, but not seeing.

I'm listening, but not hearing.

I'm tired, but not sleeping.

I'm alive, but not living.

Follower!

Time: 11:03 pm
Current mood: Going Low
Listening to: I'm So Lonely by Cast

Yes, its true. I am still breathing.

I guess I'm sentenced to stay alive.

I am trying to keep my scars concealed to outsiders because they pretend, pretend to not notice.

I can't find my way out 'cos there's no one to lead the way.

>>

Time: 3:24 pm
Current mood: Ok
Listening to: Solace by Aaron Sprinkle

Time is a failure.

It is cruel in its sluggard sluggishness.

It cannot go from one to four without skipping the two and three.

It cannot go from summer to autumn without skipping the winter and fall.

Wish I could stop time.

Make-Up!

Time: 10:39 pm
Current mood: Low
Listening to: Let It Go by Gavin DeGraw

I can spend all day in bed and still not get a good night's rest.

I just can't maintain this facade any longer.

I don't know how people deal with it, but i just can't.

I don't wanna try anymore.

I'm so tired.

Out.

The Onus Is On Me!

Time: 5:21 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: Sleep Will Come by Bliss

I have decided not to respond.

Not to say anything about myself and my life.

It's difficult but I am going to try.

I am beginning to understand it's not the way to go.

People care about you as long as you have something to return.

I mean, 'Mostly'.

I shall take responsibility for my own actions and choices.

Back In The Hood

Time: 12:49 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Psyche by Massive Attack

It is one of those agitating days. I feel like I am going to lose my mind.

I am depressed. Very much so.

I wish I could stop crying when no one is around.

I wish I could snap out of it. And I'm tired of trying so hard to be my normal self.

And the worse part?

I have no right to feel this way.

Repeat. Rewind. Repeat. Rewind.

Time: 2:04 pm
Current mood: Beginning to feel low
Listening to:Have You Ever Seen The Rain by The Jeevas

Everyday its the same. The constant nagging of stupidity in my brain.

The images and voices in my head makes me feel so low i cant restrain.

I feel like I'm stuck in a pit so and my life is just passing by.

I'm not enjoying my life like i should.

Where is true happiness?

Hope Vs. Despair

Time: 7:20 pm
Current mood: Terribly sad
Listening to: Promises by India.Arie

I doubt the sadness ever leaves us.

Coping with loss can be difficult regardless of what kind of loss we are trying to deal with.

I feel myself slipping more and more every day.

It's like slow poison.

You slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again.

And it starts all over... again!!!

Fugitive

Time: 1:09 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Speech Therapy by Speech Debelle

My ups haven't been all that far up lately.

But my downs, usually starting mid-afternoon have gone pretty far down.

80 percent of the time I have no idea where it comes from.

Once in a while I know the cause, but the vast majority really does come out of nowhere.

Et tu, Brute?

Time: 8:19 pm
Current mood: Upset
Listening to: Logic Of A Friend by Badly Drawn Boy

It is easy to get emotional with friends and one may rush to conclusions.

I feel like I've been used, deceived, humiliated, despised, or stabbed in the back.

I may never forgive them, but at some point I have to let go of my anger.

It's gonna be hard to make friends, and even harder to trust them.

Spreading!

Time: 3:32 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: We've Got Tonight by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet

I can't begin to guess what started this in me.

I am sort of reaching a stage where I will fully admit that I am depressed, that this overwhelming sadness has just sort of settled inside.

The things that were unspeakably me seem to be continually stripped away, leaving a lonely shell that knows nothing.

It’s easy to think about the answers.

But swinging back and forth on what you believe and feel is the worst place to be.

Pinch Me!

Time: 6:53 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Endgame by Rogue Wave

At times it is difficult to describe what the mind is picking up on and interpreting in this way.

Everything, including the sense of self, feels void of distinct realness. 

Do I exist? What does it mean to exist? Where do I exist?

Who am I?

Follow!

Time: 11:55 pm
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Isn't It A Lovely Night? by The Decemberists

Sometimes it's just plain exhausting. Trying to live up to everything that is expected and directed.

But where do you go when you feel like things are falling apart?

What happens when you're standing and you're not quite sure what direction you're supposed to be facing?

Face Off!

Time: 8:11 pm
Current mood: Very very sad
Listening to: Home by Great Northern

Screams echo into the night.

This uneasy certanity just doesn't feel right.

I'm just so damn tired of the struggle.

Of the fight.

To live a life I don't have any hope for.

Sometimes I remember what it's like to be carefree and laugh.

But it just doesn't excite me anymore.

What happened to me?

I miss myself.

Simple!

Time: 6:18 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: You Don't Live Long Enough by Winterpills

I wonder sometimes whether a quiet & less ambitious life would have suited me.

I really do.

No greed. No jealousy. No shattered dreams.

Zombie!

Time: 12:18 pm
Current mood: Beginning to feel sad
Listening to: Crack The Shutters by Snow Patrol

Depression, I never asked for it, but here I am.

Sometimes I wonder what's the point in living when I don't understand the pain I feel.

What is pure joy? Full hearted happiness?  

It's amazing how quickly dreams can die, but I will press on.

Like the living dead, because I have a right to try.  

Shining!

Time: 11:11 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Further Away by Budapest

The confusion of life is swallowing me whole.

Life has no mercy, no sympathy.

I try to keep my scars concealed to outsiders.

I feel so lost in the mazes of life.

Should I hold hope?

AM PM

Time: 5:17 pm
Current mood: Down Down
Listening to: Don't Wanna Cry by Pete Yorn

Every time my heart beats it hurts.

I'm tired of all the moodiness, head spinning and racing thoughts 
with nowhere to go with them.

My mind needs to learn the art of silencing.

As in one day, there's a beginning, an end to all this...

Still!

Time: 9:22 pm
Current mood: Beginning to feel sad
Listening to: We're Here by Guillemots

I feel as if I've pressed the hold button on my life.

Am I just waiting for the right time to push play and begin again? 

Slowly slipping in a deep dark pit, I feel like I'm near the end of my life.

What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?

Sherlock Holmes!

Time: 9:53 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: Restless Heart by Starsailor

Why do I feel depressed?

Why can't I just be happy as so many people say I should be?

Why is it so hard?

At what point do I finally feel as if there is no end to my misery and end it?

Dear Diary

Time: 1:16 pm
Current mood: Very Down
Listening to: A Lot Of Silence Here by Thirteen Senses

I do not write in this blog for pity or to wallow in my troubles.

I write because it's therapeutic for me as I can't express this to anyone else.

My insides are screaming, I want to scream. I want to cry.

How can I stop me feeling this way?

7-Eleven

Time: 11:57 am
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Pale Horses by Moby

I tried to get some sleep, but my body won't shut down despite its utter exhaustion.

I really hate this feeling and I hope I get some rest tonight.

It feels so circular.

Titanic!

Time: 7:57 pm
Current mood: Sad Sad Sad Sad
Listening to: I Must Be In A Good Place Now by Vetiver

My legs are beginning to break, I've walked this road for far too long.

My heart is always aching as I try to carry on.

I have a noose around my neck, I wish it would tighten very soon.

I fear this ship is sinking, and I see no hope on the horizon.

101 Ways!

Time: 7:27 pm
Current mood: Sad Sad
Listening to: The Heart Remains A Child by Everything But The Girl

What happened engulfs me with terrible sadness.

Sometimes things get broken and it can't be fixed.

I don’t know what to do anymore and my world is crashing down.

I ‘m leaning towards anything that involves ending my life.

Cliff? Balcony? Rope?

Look but don't touch!

Time: 7:20 pm
Current mood: I would pay someone to kill me
Listening to: Happy Families by Richard Hawley

If I could ask God one thing what would that be?

Very easy.

Give me the strength to end my life.

I am getting used to the thought but I still can't muster enough courage.

May be there's still a little hope somewhere in my brain.

Or is it just a tease?

I don't need this life.

Shoot Me!

Time: 6:53 pm
Current mood: I want to die
Listening to: The Light At The End Of The Tunnel by Richard Hawley

I can't do this anymore.

I don't know how to deal with myself.

For every step forward, I'm taking two backwards.

In fact ten backwards. Fifteen. Twenty.

I am certain that there's a ghost in my head.

I want to break open my skull and scream, "leave me alone".

If not, take me away. Put an end to my misery.

Edge!

Time: 12:23 pm
Current mood: Shoot me
Listening to: Motherless Child by John Legend

Black. White.

Up. Down.

Loud. Quiet.

Happy. Sad.

Near. Far.

Either. Or.

Where does normal, so-so and average fit in?

Finger!

Time: 11:53 am
Current mood: Shoot me
Listening to: If Only It Were True by The Walkmen

I always blame myself. For everything.

All my life i've blamed everything on me.

I just blame me. A number of people have taken advantage of me by making me feel guilty.

But I just don't get it.

I just blame me. No one else.

Everything is my fault.

Out Of Memory!

Time: 9:00 pm
Current mood: I want to disappear
Listening to: Silent Sigh by Badly Drawn Boy

It’s been a tough week.

In fact, this whole year has been very difficult.

So difficult that the expression, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger,” is in jeopardy of being proven wrong.

There are some feelings I will never forget.

Dejected. Disturbed. Defeated.

Nippy!

Time: 8:40 pm
Current mood: Very Very Sad
Listening to: Last Of Days by A Fine Frenzy

I'm having urges.

Urges to hurt myself.

I'm trying so hard not to.

I'm trying to fight it.

I'm losing that battle.

And I've lost.

Feels good.

Mass!

Time: 8:10 pm
Current mood: Very Sad
Listening to: Free Fallin' by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

I never thought I would be one of those who just drifts through his life.

What happened to dreams, ambitions and aspirations?

What happened to life?


 

World War III

Time: 1:42 pm
Current mood: Melancholy
Listening to: You Moved In by Smog

It takes a lot to hide your feelings. And emotions.

It's a craft. An art.

And I'm trying to perfect it.

Is it strong to hide them? Or strong to show them?

Either way I'm not winning the battle.

Red Bull!

Time: 10:50 pm
Current mood: Going down quickly
Listening to: Silent House by Crowded House

I love being alone.

I love feeling sad.

I love being in a dark empty space.

I love remembering things that I shouldn't.

I love being miserable.

I am just so tired of being me.

Too Many Cooks!

Time: 3:10 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Long Hard Road by Sade

I contemplate every little thing I've said and done. 

I try to picture myself through someone else's mind. 

I can't decide what to do with myself. 

Do I remain the spectator? 

Or do I initiate the life?

Judge Judy!

Time: 11:12 am
Current mood: Somewhere in between
Listening to: The Promise by Secret Garden

The thing that really annoys me is when people tell you to be yourself despite what others may think.

Damn! It's so simple.

I am not feeling very inspired anymore.

Where are the angels when i need one?

No Dial Tone!

Time: 12:23 am
Current mood: Down
Listening to: This Life by Bruce Springsteen

Too Many Thoughts on My Mind!

At this moment I'm disconnected and bordering on being completely miserable.

I have been yearning for inspiration for I don’t know how many days now.

No sign of any arriving anytime soon.

Some nights I wish it away. I wish it all away.

Dead End!

Time: 11:02 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: It's All In Your Mind by Beck

I was so busy chasing dreams, I left myself behind.

So many squandered moments, so much wasted time.

If I could find the words to explain, I would shout them out.

I really do fear that I'm dying, I really do fear that I'm dead.

Cursed?

Time: 10:46 am
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Meadowlarks by Fleet Foxes

This isn't what I want.

This isn't what I asked.

This isn't what I deserve.

There are people out there getting what they want.

There are people out there falling in love.

There are people out there enjoying what they do.

They get to Be Happy. And I don't?

This can't be my life.

Mad Scientist!

Time: 7:19 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Same Mistakes by Unbelievable Truth

Sad.

Happy.

Sad.

Good.

Bad.

Terrible.

Someone should study my brain.

I Walk Alone!

Time: 10:12 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: If I Fall by Aqualung

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I don't know where I'm going.

But I do know I've been lonely since my life began.

And I'm not ready for peace.

Bubble Wrap!

Time: 08:01 pm
Current mood: In Between
Listening to: The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel

We worry about breaking delicate things.

Do we know we are more fragile than those objects?

Do we know we can shatter at any second?

We are the easiest thing to break.

I'm already cracked.

Party!

Time: 7:27 pm
Current mood: In Between
Listening to: Please Be Patient With Me by Wilco

Bipolar allows me to feel everything.

My feelings are intensified.

I get no time to rest..

But I live with my heart on my sleeve.

I live.

Betrayal!

Time: 7:57 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: It's All In Your Mind by Beck

People don't care that you're sick anymore.

They get to be tired of it. Fed up of it. Ignore it.

Because they can.

It's hard for them to understand you’re not sick like they get sick.

I have first hand experience.

Bribe!

Time: 7:15 pm
Current mood: Going Down
Listening to: Desperado by The Carpenters

Do I really believe in god?

Or am I just desperate?

I need someone to put me out of this misery. To help me.

I would believe in anything.

To make my life better.

Switch!

Time: 7:07 pm
Current mood: Hard to tell
Listening to: Death Is The Easy Way by My Morning Jacket

You want to unsettle someone?

Reward and chastise them without reason.

Confuses them. Tease them. Tantalize.

My disease is just like that.

Knock Knock!

Time: 9:40 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Mon Enfant (My Child) by George Winston

I'm not happy!

And when I think I'm happy, instead of enjoying it, I feel terrified about what comes next.

I have no chance to being happy at this point.

And I'm not happy!

Born Again!

Time: 09:04 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Silent All These Years by Tori Amos

The decision to die is the last tough decision one has to make.

The actual death will be easy.

All one has to do is not fight the pain.



Peace.

Leaning Tower of ....

Time: 06:19 pm
Current mood: Slowly getting there...
Listening to: Gran Torino by Jamie Cullum

I always have a busy mind.

It’s almost impossible to catch me in moments when I’m not thinking.

I’m just hopelessly unstable.

Trigger!

Time: 01:19 pm
Current mood: Struggling
Listening to: Take Care by Big Star

If there was ever a set off word for me, it would be ‘used’.

I hate being ‘used’.

It’s not like I’ve never ‘used’ anyone.

But I don't like it. And I try to avoid it.

As much as I can.

Matrix

Time: 11:04 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Too Much Love Will Kill You by Queen

I am a dreamer.

My dreams, I must say, are much better than what happens in my real life.

Is that sad?

Grade F

Time: 08:41 pm
Current mood: In between
Listening to: Travelling Like The Light by VV Brown

I know everything.

Except…

… how to get better.

So what good am i?

Map?

Time: 01:29 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Everything Goes by Club 8

Life is stupid. It's too hard.

I feel like I'm constantly chasing an expanding horizon.

Don't know where I'm going, and I don't know how to get there.

Design!

Time: 12:23 pm
Current mood: Spiraling
Listening to: Sylvia Plath by Ryan Adams

How can you dry your eyes and still keep the pain?

If I can ask God for one thing, I would insist on seeing the blueprint.

Merry-go-round!

Time: 11:54 pm
Current mood: Can't be bothered
Listening to: Baby, I'm Not Sure If This I.. by Club 8

Depression.

Pain.

Death…

Depression.

Pain.

Death...

None of us will live forever. So, is it pointless to try?

Oxygen

Time: 11:22 pm
Current mood: Can't be bothered
Listening to: Angel In the Snow by Elliot Smith

It’s amazing how low your expectations can get. I no longer expect to be happy.

Being crazy takes a lot out of you.

I wish anything made the air clean so I could breathe again.

Remote Control!

Time: 05:41 pm
Current mood: Wanna Die
Listening to: Hotel Room by Richard Hawley

When someone calls me brilliant it makes me cry.

Because it doesn't make me feel any better.

It doesn't take away the pain.

It doesn't take away the sadness.

Can someone make me stop?

Give up!

Time: 12:15 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Harder Now That It's Over by Ryan Adams

I'm so sad.

And so tired.

And so tired, of being sad.

I don't know what's going to happen when I wake up.

I don't know if I can do it.

Chinese DVD

Time: 11:55 am
Current mood: Going Down
Listening to: Spiralling by Antony and the Johnsons

I pretend to be normal.

I pretend to be well.

I pretend to be happy.

I pretend to be all that I’m not.

I’m a great pretender!

365

Time: 11:15 am
Current mood: Up & Down
Listening to: We Never Change by Coldplay

I am irritated.

Most of the time. Without fail.

Angry.

To be alive.

Gladiator!

Time: 02:33 pm
Current mood: Indifferent
Listening to: Ain't No Cure For Love by Leonard Cohen

Everything is so alive, yet I'm dead inside.

I spiral downward, faster and faster.

My sad existence is slowly fading.

I'm still fighting, as I refuse to end.

John Doe

Time: 10:18 pm
Current mood: Rockbottom
Listening to: Suicide Is Painless by Keren Ann


Sometimes I feel uncomfortable because I'm insecure about who I am.

I am almost impossible, holding on to thoughts when other things seem to have more meaning.

My pain is my down.

One Destination!

Time: 09:30 pm
Current mood: Unbearable
Listening to: Innocent World by Joseph Arthur


Safety. Security.
Love. Peace.
Goal. Ambition.
Husband. Wife.

Temporary.

Gollum

Time: 06:39 pm
Current mood: Almost Rockbottom
Listening to: Is There A Ghost by Band Of Horses


Do I really need to drug myself to stay alive? I can’t help but feel this way.

It feels like a long day and it's not ending yet.

I am hearing a little voice in my head.

Is that you again?

IQ 60

Time: 03:03 pm
Current mood: Down Square
Listening to: My Broken Heart by Noah & The Whales


Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? All in the name of hope?

Sometimes i wish i was really stupid.

Because it isn't our problem that makes us miserable. It's all the thinking that comes along.

Still Standing!

Time: 02:33 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye by John Mayer


The curse is on me. The curse is on my brain.

I can’t think. In my mind I am unable to finish a sentence.

I wish I was dead but the feeling isn't active yet.

Discount?

Time: 02:00 pm
Current mood: Going Down
Listening to: Driftwood by Travis


Isolated?

That's an understatement.

I never know what kind of mood i'm going to be in.

I have only one life to live. Can i buy some peace?

One Two... One Two...

Time: 11:12 pm
Current mood: Low
Listening to: The Child Is Gone by Fiona Apple


Inhale…

Exhale…

Tomorrow is another day. Or not.

Crash & Burn

Time: 10:18 pm
Current mood: Unclear
Listening to: Cold Hearts by Club 8


I’m afraid to leave my room. I’m slowly starting to crash.

I cannot eat anything. I am living off cereal. It’s the only thing I trust right now.

I feel like I am hanging by a thread.

Round & Round

Time: 05:12 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: There Must Be More To Life Than This by Freddie Mercury


Confused. Stressed. Frustrated.

Wish 2012 could happen now.

I don’t even know if I want help anymore.

And round we go. Like a cat stuck in a wheel.

Now!

Time: 04:18 pm
Current mood: Slowly Going Down
Listening to: Don’t Cry by Guns N’ Roses


It’s all happening in my head. Like you do a dream, except I’m wide-awake.

There’s a little voice in my head.

Overdose. Jump. Hang.

If I have to live with feeling like this, and no matter what the future holds, I don’t want it.