Round We Go!

Time: 02:18 pm
Current mood: Down
Listening to: Where I End And You Begin by Radiohead

I believe that I have friends. But any of them can turn into an enemy within a second.

My emotions change faster than the weather.

The good part is there’s no drama around it. I don't have any self-pity or don't feel I am being a victim.

I Can't Make It

Time: 09:57 am
Current mood: Okay
Listening to: Yellow by Jem

The strength I have to keep myself smiling is fading away.

Most days I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

How can I slow down my thoughts?

Shadows

Time: 09:57 pm
Current mood: Okay
Listening to: This Could Be My Last Day by Duke Shadows

I'm sentenced to life and the prison is my mind. The life's running away leaving me way behind.

I'm burning inside alone and the layers of life is slowly peeling away.

I'm almost gone with just a plastic smile on my face.

Run

Time: 06:02 pm
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Saving by Thirteen Senses

I am floating up and down.

I just wanna go far far away.

All I want is an ounce of peace and hope that my smile will come back just like it used to be.

The Show Must Go On!

Time: 02:55 pm
Current mood: Melancholy
Listening to: Burning by Vijay Kishore

If only I was easier to understand.

The problem is nothing's gonna change my mind, so how can I get any help?

Hope?

Can't Hold On

Time: 08:39 pm
Current mood: Rockbottom
Listening to: To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra


Mostly I experience such sadness that my soul ventures in to places no one should go.

There are emotions, then there are "emotions".

My emotions are so strong that ending my life becomes the only way my mind can understand releasing them.

The Reason Why

Time: 07:51 pm
Current mood: Very Sad
Listening to: Why Does It Always Rain On Me? by Travis

If I try to let somebody know how I am feeling, I just know they will tell me that I am too self-involved or being silly.

I agree, but then again…

I’m depressed.

Painfully Hopeful!

Time: 08:15 pm
Current mood: Sad
Listening to: Runaway Train by Soul Asylum


My state of mind is not a fashion statement.

It is just what it is to live in between the extremes.

Being sad is very, very different. It doesn't have a true focus.

I need to deal with disappointments in a reasonable and realistic way.

Why not now?

Time: 11:33 pm
Current mood: Rockbottom
Listening to: Self-Torture by Andrew Bird

I am afraid to open the door, afraid to answer the phone.

I feel anxious today.

I know that this illness will kill me someday, but I don't want it to be now.

Same Old Drag

Time: 09:36 pm
Current mood: Somewhere out there
Listening to: In The Ghetto by Elvis Preseley

I wrote an ad called ‘Life happens’.

Everyday is a groundhog day.

And everyday I want to go to bed feeling better than when I woke up.

Nothing to look forward to.

Question?

Time: 02:55 pm
Current mood: Given Up
Listening to: This Could Be My Last Day by Duke Special

I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. I’m at war with my mind.

I don’t know what is legitimate, and what’s delusional anymore.

But then there are times when I think I’m ill because of the kink in my brain.

There’s got to be an answer somewhere.

Now and Then

Time: 12:22 pm
Current mood: Getting there but not giving up
Listening to: Dark Road by Richard Hawley

I feel like I was more loveable before I got into my mid 20's.

Then my mood wasn't quite as up and down as it is now. Now I made myself more unlikable, unlovable.

I hope there’s a better tomorrow for me.

2+2 = 5

Time: 11:48 am
Current mood: Too sad to describe
Listening to: Girl From The Northern States by The Young Republic

I feel like I am trying to sail a boat in a hurricane.

Life is floating. Life needs a break — from me.

Thinking of suicide seems to have a calming effect.

How ironic?

Mini me

Time: 12:10 pm
Current mood: Bouncing ball
Listening to: Lord, I'm Discouraged by The Hold Steady

Some compulsive thought in the back of my head can override my very essence at will.

I know there’s no greener grass than that on which I sit.

But that doesn’t stop this weird creature in my head from whispering at me almost constantly, “Get out, you have much bigger things to accomplish”.

But finding a place of real feeling is impossibly hard.

Sink or Swim!

Time: 11:40 pm
Current mood: Was okay 5 minutes ago, now very very sad
Listening to: Going to a Town by Rufus Wainwright

Is treading water really better than drowning?

Most mornings I feel as if i woke up from the wrong side of the bed.

My life is temperamental. When it's good, it's heavenly.

Bullseye!

Time: 10:43 pm
Current mood: In between
Listening to: Hljomalind by Sigur Ros

Every time I think I have found a way to deal, life changes.

Unfortunately it is not so easy to get the genie back in the bottle.

I need to stay focussed.

Patience

Time: 03:15 am
Current mood: Why can't i get some sleep
Listening to: Tonight The Streets Are Ours by Richard Hawley

Eventually, it becomes hard for family and friends to sympathize.

No matter how legitimate, it also becomes self-indulgent.
And then it begins to cost you relationships.

I’m afraid people will only remember me for my mania and self-destruction.

They may be right.

I Me Myself!

Time: 12:35 am
Current mood: Rock bottom
Listening to: Hold up my heart by Brooke White

Do i fit the mold of what we should be?

He wants consistency. She wants reliability.

But I don't feel the emotions of another human being within myself.

Loop

Time: 12:22 am
Current mood: Very down
Listening to: Isn't life strange? by The Clientele

You never see these periods coming, when they come.

There is a hopelessness that envelopes your existence.

You ask yourself what you are going to do?

All I can do now is sit and wait for the morning.

Is this it?

Time: 12:01 am
Current mood: Going down
Listening to: Relief by Chris Garneau

I struggle with the old me and the real i am now.

I do not have all the answers.

I am just living forward and staying true to my heart.

May be this is god's best for me!

Just me!

Time: 02:36 pm
Current mood: Struggling
Listening to: That's How People Grow Up by Morrissey

I feel isolated. I’m picky.

People reach out to me but they usually only end up disappointed.

Maybe I just don’t like people.

Opposite

Time: 12:50 pm
Current mood: Better
Listening to: Birds Without Wings by David Gray

There's nothing I can do but try and be positive.

That's how i feel now.

Normal? What's that?

Perhaps one day I can return.

Frail

Time: 12:30 pm
Current mood: In between
Listening to: That's How People Grow Up by Morrissey

Strong.

The thing being strong means not getting what you want or what you need and yet being okay.

I’m weak.

Hope

Time: 11:15 pm
Current mood: Better
Listening to: Lua by Conor Oberst With Gillian Welch

Suddenly I have more energy, more motivation, more confidence.

Life seems more vibrant and worth living. I feel a love so pure and full.

The journey continues.

Jelly

Time: 09:25 pm
Current mood: Very very sad
Listening to: Deep Blue Sea by Grizzly Bear


Reality is there for you to shape it. Then, life comes crashing down.

Life is tired.

I am tired.

Contradictions!

Time: 04:29 pm
Current mood: Very sad
Listening to: The Giant Of Illinois by Andrew Bird

I just wish practical aspects of life were in my range of abilities.

Life is not made for sensitive dreamers.

Existence. It doesn't matter to anybody if it doesn't matter to you.

I don't matter.

Broken Brain!

Time: 02:54 pm
Current mood: Weird
Listening to: A Lot of Silence Here by Thirteen Senses


I want so much attention sometimes, I feel like I'm just looking at the world, not living it.

Confused. Disturbed. Distorted. Inspired.

Us

Time: 12:42 pm
Current mood: Somewhere in between happy and sad
Listening to: In the Crossfire by Starsailor

I'm still breathing.

Being consistent even in things that I love is difficult.

I do not think words will ever properly describe my emotion.

A little crazy... Aren't we all?

Burden!

Time: 11:32 am
Current mood: High to low
Listening to: Human by The Killers

Today has been good. I am happy. My mind is clear. There’s not an iota of negativity.

Then all the sudden, I feel sad. For no obvious reason.

I want to cry, but I have nothing to cry about.

What's wrong? Nothing.

At any given moment, I can be really happy.

Ands then for no reason at all, I get real low.

My current thought is

“Nobody would miss me. Everyone just puts up with me.”

All Grown Up

Time: 11:25 pm
Current mood: Indifferent
Listening to: Mood Indigo by Louis Armstrong & Duke Ellington

Interests change. Fears don't. They just grow.

In that case i've grown leaps and bounds.

It's just a dark tunnel!

Time: 11:00 pm
Current mood: Curious
Listening to: With or Without You by Keane


Where did ‘then’ come from when it’s always ‘now’.

It is amazing how bad I truly feel. I look back and see nothing. I look ahead and see…

...nothing.

I always tried to make myself better.

What did I do?

The End of the Beginning

Time: 10:40 pm
Current mood: Melancholy
Listening to: Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley


Hope is not a plan. I have no plan. Hopeless?

Somewhere I read awareness is the first step to freeing the mind. I feel numb.

My heart loves, but my moods want no friends.

I once walked all the way back home from school ‘cos I forgot to kiss my mom goodbye. The beginning of paranoia?

I Say Blue!

Time: 10:29 pm
Current mood: Sadness
Listening to: Born Slippy by Barefoot

When I was young I was ahead of my time. Am I falling behind?

I was driving earlier in the evening and I looked at the streetlights. Every one of ‘em lit bright and shiny except one.

A little hope.

Innocence still exists.

When I was Six, I asked my aunt, what if red was blue. She said it would still be red.

Glass Full Empty

Time: 9.54 pm
Current mood: Sadness
Listening to: Solitude by Louis Armstrong & Duke Ellington

Empty. Empty. Empty. That’s how I feel.

I even imagined how it would be to jump into sea with a huge rock tied to my leg.

Then my mind wandered a little, asking questions to self. How do I get the rock to the middle of the sea?

Chuckle.

I don’t wanna commit suicide but if my life were to end now, I would be the happiest.

I don’t need sympathy. I do need sympathy.